Change

Not everybody loves change.  I have to admit that I sometimes and dragged kicking and screaming through change only to learn that it's usually not so bad.  This year my family & I were slammed by an unimaginable change.  Yes, I did my fair share of kicking, screaming, crying, and pouting.  I also was able to laugh a little and learn a lot.  Was it so bad?  Yes, it was.  I wish every day I could go back to January 22, 2011 and do it differently-somehow change the events of the day.  If only I didn't want to go riding so bad.  If only the weather hadn't gotten so cold so we would have kept of family trip plans of riding out of town.  If only we had left sooner or later...I've thought of them all and it won't change what actually happened. 

I am not able to change the past, but I have changed.  I instantly became a 34 year old widowed mother of two young daughters.  That change rocked everything I knew about life.  I could no longer go on living like I did before my husband died.  I'm not going to lie-I did try it.  I went back to work after two weeks.  I woke up at the same time every day.  Woke my children up and got them ready for school and took them to daycare as I had done every day before the accident.  Drove the same road and parked in the same spot in the parking lot at work as I always had before.  I wanted everything to be the same.  I began to notice little by little that things that worked for me before were not working for me now.  My life was starting to crumble away bit by bit.  I wasn't eating, sleeping, or living.  I was coasting as if on autopilot.  Thank God people brought food and supplies to the house because my children needed food and I needed help.  I was trying to do what took two adults did everyday by myself.  I almost became "superhuman".  I was so busy and accomplishing so much.  Things, I thought, were going well.  I had been reading so many books on grieving because I wanted to make sure I was doing it right.  I wanted to know the steps and complete them.  Check them off on a list.  (I love lists!) 

Then it happened.  I had time to think one day, then my youngest came home from school and was burning up with a fever.  I was trapped in my house and alone with my thoughts.  Monday morning came around and I had to keep my baby home from school because she needed another day.  I was a mess.  A good friend insisted on coming over and little by little I started to change.  I kept telling her everything I had to do and she kept asking me, "why?".  I of course was kicking and screaming, but I was changing ever so slightly. 

I have always been pretty sure of the path I was following.  I thought I was in control.  I had a plan.

Change.  It's crazy how quick it can happen, but at the same time be incredible slow.  How out of devastating change, a miraculous change can take place planting the seeds for more change. 

I may still kick, scream, and cry when change comes my way, but I will always look around the corner for the small miracles that may come with it.