Do You Have Any Idea Who I Am?

Last fall I was running errands in town and needed to drop something off at church.  As I walked up the sidewalk to the door, a car pulled up behind me and the older man driving started yelling at me.  I turned around to see who he was yelling at, and was shocked his tyrant was directed towards me.  He was mad at me for not stopping long enough at the stop sign up the road.  (I know I did stop for my 1 Mississippi, 2 Mississippi).  I tried to tell him that I did stop, but he was so angry there was no reasoning with this man.  As I went to turn away and proceed with my day, (and yes he was still yelling), out of my mouth came these words:  "Do you have any idea who I am?"  I did not say this because I'm some sort of Diva.  I said it because I really wanted to know if he knew me.  Did this man who decided to follow me into my church parking lot know me?  I'm not talking about my name, or who my family is.  I'm talking about me.

I have learned at a pretty young age some very important information about life.  Don't judge.  Be patient.  Don't sweat the small stuff.  It's not easy, but I work at it every day. 

When I was told that my husband was not going to live after his accident and that I would have to make some of the biggest decisions of my life soon, my life changed.  I could never be the same person again. 

When it's February and I see someone's  Christmas lights still on at night.  That person's lawn hasn't been mowed for a while.  She's home all day and her house is a mess.  The lady at the grocery store seems like she's on another planet!  That guy can't find his keys again!

These are just a few things I know I was guilty of, but luckily my neighbors and friends understood.  They were more concerned about me than my lights and lawn.  I would even get phone calls reminding me to shut my garage door at night because they cared.  What about in public though, when most people didn't know why I walked through a store like a zombie, or I'd silently cry at restaurants with my friends.  I couldn't concentrate on little things like paying a bill!  Did people judge me?

I walk through life with a little more compassion than I did before my husband was killed.  I try to remember that I really don't know the road the person in line ahead of me is traveling.  What crosses are they bearing? 

When I think back to that fall day when I was just trying to accomplish a few things on my list, I am grateful that it wasn't the day that I walked the same sidewalk into those same doors just months before to plan my husbands funeral.  That man had no idea who I was and I didn't know who he was.  I do know that I went on with my day with a little more compassion towards the people I met along my way.   

Change

Not everybody loves change.  I have to admit that I sometimes and dragged kicking and screaming through change only to learn that it's usually not so bad.  This year my family & I were slammed by an unimaginable change.  Yes, I did my fair share of kicking, screaming, crying, and pouting.  I also was able to laugh a little and learn a lot.  Was it so bad?  Yes, it was.  I wish every day I could go back to January 22, 2011 and do it differently-somehow change the events of the day.  If only I didn't want to go riding so bad.  If only the weather hadn't gotten so cold so we would have kept of family trip plans of riding out of town.  If only we had left sooner or later...I've thought of them all and it won't change what actually happened. 

I am not able to change the past, but I have changed.  I instantly became a 34 year old widowed mother of two young daughters.  That change rocked everything I knew about life.  I could no longer go on living like I did before my husband died.  I'm not going to lie-I did try it.  I went back to work after two weeks.  I woke up at the same time every day.  Woke my children up and got them ready for school and took them to daycare as I had done every day before the accident.  Drove the same road and parked in the same spot in the parking lot at work as I always had before.  I wanted everything to be the same.  I began to notice little by little that things that worked for me before were not working for me now.  My life was starting to crumble away bit by bit.  I wasn't eating, sleeping, or living.  I was coasting as if on autopilot.  Thank God people brought food and supplies to the house because my children needed food and I needed help.  I was trying to do what took two adults did everyday by myself.  I almost became "superhuman".  I was so busy and accomplishing so much.  Things, I thought, were going well.  I had been reading so many books on grieving because I wanted to make sure I was doing it right.  I wanted to know the steps and complete them.  Check them off on a list.  (I love lists!) 

Then it happened.  I had time to think one day, then my youngest came home from school and was burning up with a fever.  I was trapped in my house and alone with my thoughts.  Monday morning came around and I had to keep my baby home from school because she needed another day.  I was a mess.  A good friend insisted on coming over and little by little I started to change.  I kept telling her everything I had to do and she kept asking me, "why?".  I of course was kicking and screaming, but I was changing ever so slightly. 

I have always been pretty sure of the path I was following.  I thought I was in control.  I had a plan.

Change.  It's crazy how quick it can happen, but at the same time be incredible slow.  How out of devastating change, a miraculous change can take place planting the seeds for more change. 

I may still kick, scream, and cry when change comes my way, but I will always look around the corner for the small miracles that may come with it.

Us Girls

It's been almost 9 months since it's just been us girls.  I never thought the girls and I would ever laugh or smile again, but I think sometimes that's all that's left after the tears.  I still can't believe that this is real.  Sometimes I'm going through my day and get hit with the reality of what is now my life.  A single mom, with two daughters and a dog.  Not exactly what I had in plan, but I will make it work. 

The Race Against the Frost

It's been really cold this fall, and of course we were not finished planting and mulching our landscaping. It wouldn't have been so bad had we not already had all the plants sitting in our yard. It was either plant now or they die. It stopped raining for a couple of days, so Chad took advantage of the drying black dirt and planted the rest of the plants we had. Then it got cold again and started raining again. We finally got a nice, warmer, and sunny weekend! We ran to the nursery and got the mulch and the last few plants we needed to complete this landscaping project for the upcoming winter. Here's a view from the deck looking down to the new stairs and wall.

A view of the stairs.
Another view looking down from the deck over the new section we just planted and mulched. Chad still needs to finish that section on patio pavers.
The newest section of landscaping.
We went to a wedding the end of September. We had a great time. Ava has balloons tied to her piggies! She wanted to sleep with them, but had to settle with them tied around her bed posts.

Landscaping & Volleyball

Finally, we're starting to see some real progress on this landscaping thing. We are nowhere near finished, but for now it's pretty cool. Chad finished the deck! The upper deck has been finished for a while, but the stairs and the lower deck/landing is now in full use.

Chad put in our curvy stairs, added another retaining wall, and filled everything with black dirt. Now it's time to plant the rest of our plants before they all die. Unfortunately, it's been pretty darn cold and rainy lately and it's not happening this weekend.
Another shot at the back of the house.
Lydia joined volleyball this year in third grade. It is so much fun to watch and she seems to like it. The first game was a blast and she stayed pretty focused. Lyd even hit the ball a few times! (In 3rd grade the ball falls to the floor most of the time!)

Now that the wall is up Rachel was antsy to get the shrubs all planted. So she spent Saturday afternoon and Sunday planting and spreading mulch.

Once we finished mulching and planting I started building the stairs. Only about 4 left!! After this we'll build another flower garden to the right of the stairs and have 50 day lillies planted in there along with a couple of burning bush trees.

The wall is up!

We started digging early Sat. morning and six hours later, finally set the first block. I knew this was going to take a lot of time and hard work-but I didn't think it would take that long. After a couple of hours the first row was set. After that it was easy. (I couldn't lift the blocks so Chad had to do the rest). It started to rain, so we tarped the hill and prayed. The next day, no damage was done and Chad finished this part of the wall. Chad's been busy backfilling and will put in the black dirt so I can start planting the shrubs. Then he'll start on the stairs that will come down and curve around the right side of the wall. Then a smaller retaining wall on the right side of the stairs.



We may be able to start planting grass down here pretty soon!